Shutting down as a defense – Episode 152

Do you retreat into yourself when problems arise? Do you prefer not to hear bad news? Maybe you are shutting down as a defense. Here's our outline: Which of these statements do I connect with about shutting down? * “When I am stressed, I retreat into myself.” * “If I don’t think about a problem, it will go away.” (Tom) * “Instead of doing something, I chew over my problems in my head, over and over.” * “I escape into a book/movie/tv show/video game/… when I don’t want to face something.” * “Conflict just shuts me down. Sometimes I can’t even talk.” * “I keep busy with unimportant tasks, so I don’t have to face the things I don’t want to do.” (Tom) * “When there is chaos around me, I can’t do anything. I just shut down and retreat into my skull.” * “I hide by not answering the phone, or not opening mail.” (Tom) * “I fantasize about a better future, but I don’t seem to be able to do anything about getting there.” (Tom) * “In an airport or other public space I make sure nobody will sit next to me.” (Tom) * “I avoid difficult conversations at all costs.” * “There’s only one way to survive life. Shut down, or get hurt and die.” * What have I learned about myself, and about my ways of “shutting down” and “escaping”? * Conflict avoidant. * Lack of self-worth/self-esteem. * Fear of criticism, rejection, other mental/spiritual harm. * Fear of bodily harm. * Fear of intimacy. * Denial — if I don’t “know” about a problem, maybe it won’t happen. * Isolating * Depression * When can it be healthy to “shut down”? * Detachment * Taking a break * Resting * What tools can I use to face daily conflicts, problems, and discomfort of dealing with other people? * Serenity prayer. * Other prayers. * Inventory. (I can’t change something if I don’t see it.) * Gratitude. * Check in with program friends. * Living in the moment. “One day at a time.” * Meditation. * Practicing Step 10. “… and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” * Self-acceptance * Vulnerability. * HOW: “Honest, open, and willing.” * Detachment — “it’s not me/mine” * Scheduling activities with others to prevent a self-isolating funk * Progress not perfection Some online resources Suppressing Emotions Emotionally Closed Off: Healing Pain and Learning to Love Why Anxiety Causes Detachment “Why anxiety causes detachment” (about the “bad” kind of detachment — distancing, emotional shutting down) Upcoming topics include another “gift of Al-Anon”. This one is “Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email [email protected] with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links The 12 Traditions as a Guide to Relationships (PDF) Music from the show Christina Perri: Jar of Hearts Alessia Cara: Here Cocteau Twins: Throughout the Dark Months of April and May (and, yes, I mis-stated the title as “… March and April”. Wishful thinking?) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rhdLo_hHs8