Serving: Reflections on Rachel Remen's Essay, "Helping, Fixing, or Serving?"

In this episode, I revew key points made by Rachel Naomi Remen in her essay, "Helping, Fixing, or Serving?" I consider their application to birth and the importance of viewing all in the birth space as whole. TRANSCRIPT: Welcome to today's episode. So today I want to have a conversation about an article that I read years ago that was very influential for me. It was written by Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. She is an Associate Clinical Professor of Family and Community Medicine UCSF Medical School and the co-founder and medical director of the Commonwealth Cancer Help program. She's also author of the bestseller Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. And she wrote an essay several years ago called “Helping, Fixing or Serving?” that has really impacted the way that I think about the work that I do in different arenas in my life, from volunteer work that I've done, to my work as a teacher, as a mother, as a neighbor, friend, and as a doula. So as we talk about it today, I invite you to consider whatever role you're serving in and think about how it applies. I'm going to kind of give a summary of her work through reading meaningful summative quotes and then thinking about how they apply to birth work. So, Rachel Naomi Remen says, “Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping maybe the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.” So my thought about how this applies to birth work, is that the term doula was first used in 1969. In an anthropological study conducted by Dana Raphael, and she was talking just about the role of doulas, she said, in most species, it's normal for a female of the same species to be part of childbirth. And she derived the term doula from modern Greek--borrowed it as a word to describe the role of a birth support person that was kind of coming into being more in that time, around 1969. And doula, from the modern Greek, means servant woman or woman who serves. And so this term is a re-appropriation of a modern Greek [word] that includes bondage. The term actually implies bondage, serving, even slavery, but like we talked about in Episode 24, we can turn terms around sometimes, and re-appropriate them for our own usage and re-imbue it with power. And so Raphael's coining of the term doula is used to mean a woman who serves. So I believe that doulas are re-appropriating this term, focusing on the aspects of service. And like Rachel Remen says, “service is the work of the soul,” seeing life as whole. So though service is etymologically tied most to doula work—the word doula implies service—it certainly applies to anyone in the birth space serving the birthgiver: the husband or partner, mothers or friends, nurses, doctors, midwives… This invitation to see life as whole, to truly serve, applies to anyone in the birth space. And both the life of the birthgiver and the life of the soon-to-be-born-baby—and all others in that space—really can be benefited and made whole when they are served in this way. So again, Rachel Remen says, “When we serve, we know that we belong to life. And to that purpose, from the perspective of service, we are connected. All suffering is like my suffering. And all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing.” And I think that's where birth even comes from. The work that a birthgiver does in giving birth, recognizes the wholeness and the connectedness of life, as we use our own life to bring forth additional life. So going on, Rachel Remen says, “Helping is not a relationship between equals. A helper may see others as weaker than they are, needier than they are. And people often feel this inequality. The danger in helping is that we may inadvertently take away from people more than we ever could get them. We may diminish their self-esteem, their status, worth, integrity or even wholeness.” So I caution anyone in the birth space to really stay away from this mentality of helping—this perspective that puts people on two different playing fields, and the birthgiver on the lower playing field. I'm really cautious in the language that I use. When I talk about my role as a doula, because I've read Rachel Remen’s essay, “Helping, Fixing or Serving?” so many times. I really am careful to never say that I help expectant families. I see the power and the strength and the ability and capability in the birth giver. She is not weak, in need of others’ strength—mine or anyone else’s. She is discovering the full extent of her own strength. And this needs no help. But benefits, surely, as we all do, from service. Rachel Remen says, “When we help, we become aware of our own strength, but when we serve, we don't serve with our strength. We serve with our selves, and we draw from all of our experiences. Our limitations serve, our wounds serve. Even our darkness can serve. My pain is the source of my compassion. My woundedness is the key to my empathy.” Going on, Rachel Remen says, “Serving makes us aware of our wholeness and its power. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals. Our service strengthens us as well as others. Fixing and helping are draining, and over time, we may burn out, but service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will renew us. In helping, we may find a sense of satisfaction. In serving, we find a sense of gratitude.” I love this. When we consider the application to birth—seeing life as whole is especially important in the birth room, when sometimes birthgivers are identified by their contraction pattern, or cervical dilation. That does not honor her wholeness. We need, in the birth space, to recognize the wholeness of each person in that space. And as we serve in that space, find renewal and gratitude for the wholeness in the life of all those in that space—and the baby that is soon to enter that space. Another summative quote from Rachel Freeman's essay is, “In fixing, we see others as broken and respond to this perception with our expertise. Fixers trust their own expertise, but may not see the wholeness in another person, or trust the integrity of the life in them. When we serve, we see and trust that wholeness. We respond to it and collaborate with it. And when we see the wholeness in another and we strengthen it, they may be then able to see it for themselves for the first time.” In her essay, Rachel Remen tells the story of an emergency physician who's assisting a woman as she gives birth to a baby. And Remen talks about the moment when this physician really realized the wholeness and life in a newborn baby that he had just assisted with the birth of, and how this moment was a wake-up call to him in his practice. Previously, he'd been very focused on using his expertise in response to situations and felt the thrill and the excitement of that fixing paradigm—of finding a problem, enacting his expertise, and solving the problem. But in this moment when he realized the wholeness of life of this newborn baby, he realized that there was so much more to the work that he was doing. And he previously missed out on so much, and he didn't have a full awareness of the wholeness of those that he was “fixing.” Rachel Remen goes on to say, “Fixing and helping create a distance between people—an experience of difference. We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected. That which we are willing to touch. Fixing and helping are strategies to repair life. We serve life, not because it is broken, but because it is holy.” So as a birthgiver, if that is your role, seek those who honor your wholeness, who serve you with proximity, who are willing to touch—physically, emotionally, mentally—to touch you and embrace you and your wholeness. Surround yourself with those who see you as whole and holy and not broken. And Rachel Remen concludes with this moving quote: “Service is not an experience of strength or expertise. Service is an experience of mystery, surrender and awe. Helpers and fixers feel casual. Servers may experience, from time to time, a sense of being used by larger unknown forces. Those who serve have traded a sense of mastery for an experience of mystery, and in doing so, have transformed their work and their lives into practice.” I feel like this is applicable nowhere more than in the work surrounding birth, that we should serve in this space with mystery, surrender and awe. So I encourage you all to check out the show notes for today. I'll have a link to the full essay which I really suggest that you read time and time again. And I hope that you have taken something away from this conversation about helping, fixing and serving. Bye. Did words play an important role in your birth experience? If you’re interested in sharing your  story on the podcast, go to www.birthwords.com. If you’re liking what you hear on the podcast, please leave a review on your podcast app. For more resources about harnessing the power of words to benefit the birth experience, visit birthwords.com. Transcribed by https://otter.ai REFERENCES: Remen, R. N. (1999). Helping, Fixing or Serving?, Shambhala Sun, September. Retrieved from https://www.uc.edu/content/dam/uc/honors/docs/communityengagement/HelpingFixingServing.pdf Oxford English Dictionary (2011). Doula. Retrieved from https://www-oed-com.erl.lib.byu.edu/view/Entry/248791?redirectedFrom=doula#eid#eid